A Couple Had Two Sons
Humor Section (cont)
A couple had two sons, ages 8 and 10, who were very mischievous. These two were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any misconduct occurred in their town, their boys were probably involved. The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in dealing with children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them each individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response. He just sat there with his mouth hanging open, staring wide-eyed at the imposing figure of the pastor. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God!!?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?” The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We’re in BIG trouble this time. God is missing – and they think WE did it!”
A young woman was applying for enrollment in a certain college, but her heart sank when she read the question on the application blank that asked, “Are you a leader?”
Being both honest and conscientious, she wrote, “No,” and returned the application, expecting the worst. To her surprise, she received this letter from the college:
“Dear Applicant: A study of the application forms reveals that this year our college will have 1,452 new leaders. We are accepting you because we feel it is imperative that they have at least one follower.”
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s suit!”
There are four ages of man:
(1) When you believe in Santa Claus
(2) When you don’t believe in Santa Claus
(3) When you are Santa Claus
(4) When you look like Santa Claus
Angels Explained by Children
“I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.” (Gregory, age 5)
“Everybody’s got it all wrong. Angels don’t wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.” (Olive, age 9)
“It’s not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there’s still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.” (Matthew, age 9)
“Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.” (Mitchell, age 7)
“My guardian angel helps me with math, but he’s not much good for science.” (Henry, age 8)
“Angels don’t eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!” (Jack, age 6)
“Angels talk all the way while they’re flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.” (Daniel, age 9)
“When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there’s a tornado.” (Reagan, age 10)
“Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter.” (Sara, age 6)
“Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who’s a very good carpenter.” (Jared, age 8)
“All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn’t go for it.” (Antonio, age 9)
“My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.” (Katelynn, age 9)
“Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don’t make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.” (Vicki, age 8)
“What I don’t get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.” (Sarah, age 7)
In a midwestern Church, the cribs in the nursery are filled to capacity every Sunday without fail. As you enter the room, you see a large framed sign hanging on the wall over the long line of cribs. It reads, “We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed.” That line is a direct quote from 1 Corinthians 15:51.
Interesting Thoughts about Children
You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet.
Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your children.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child… she said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.
Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We child-proofed our home three years ago, but they’re still getting in!
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
The beauty of “spacing” children many years apart lies in the fact that parents have time to learn the mistakes that were made with the older ones—which permits them to make exactly the opposite mistakes with the younger ones.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human, because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
Out West, a cowboy was driving down a dirt road, his dog riding in back of the pickup truck, his faithful horse in the trailer behind. He failed to negotiate a curve and had a terrible accident.
Sometime later, a highway patrol officer came on the scene. An animal lover, he saw the horse first. Realizing the serious nature of its injuries, he drew his service revolver and put the animal out of his misery. He walked around the accident and found the dog, also hurt critically. He couldn’t bear to hear it whine in pain, so he ended the dog’s suffering as well.
Finally he located the cowboy –who suffered multiple fractures–off in the weeds. “Hey, are you okay?” the cop asked. The cowboy took one look at the smoking revolver in the trooper’s hand and quickly replied, “Never felt better!”
A typical American family was driving home from church. Dad was complaining about the sermon being too long and sort of boring. Mom said that she thought the piano player played a little too loud during the second song. Sis, who was a music major in college, said that the soloist sang about a half note off key during most of her song. Grandma said she couldn’t hear very well—they were sitting in a bad place. Little Willie listened to all of this and started to fuss about the woman with this big hat who sat in front of him. He couldn’t see around her. And then he nudged his dad and said, “But, Dad, you gotta admit, it was a pretty good show for a dollar.”
