Humor Section

Humor Section (cont)

Chippie’s problems began when the woman who owned him decided to clean up the seeds and feathers from the bottom of his cage using a vacuum cleaner.

When the phone rang, the owner turned to pick it up – and you guessed it – with a thud and a whoosh, Chippie was gone.  The owner quickly turned off the vacuum and unzipped the bag. There was Chippie. He was stunned but breathing.

Seeing that Chippie was covered with black dust, his owner panicked and rushed the little to the bathtub, where she turned on the faucet full blast and held the bird under the icy water. 

At that point she realized that she’d done even more damage, and she quickly cranked up her blow dryer and gave the wet, shivering little bird parakeet a blast of heat, adding more distress to the already traumatized bird. 

The owner has observed that while the bird is still alive, that Chippie doesn’t sing much anymore!

A ten year old boy was failing in math.  His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail.  Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room – with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor.  He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.  This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

The boy walked in with his report card – unopened – laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.  Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red “A” under the subject of MATH.  Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

“Was it the nuns that did it?” the father asked.  The boy shook his head and said, “No.”

“Was it the one-on-one tutoring?”  “No.”

“The peer mentoring?”  “No.” 

“The textbooks?  The teachers?  The curriculum?” 

“Nope,” said the son.  “On the first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the ‘plus sign,’ I just knew they meant business!”

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.  There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.  Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.  Somebody got angry about that! After all, it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.  It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody because Nobody had wound up doing what Anybody could have done!

During a Monday night football game between the Chicago Bears and the New York Giants, one of the announcers observed that Walter Payton, the Bears’ running back, had accumulated over nine miles in career rushing yardage.  The other announcer remarked, "Yeah, and that’s with someone knocking him down every 4.6 yards!"

This is a story about a little girl who, on the way home from church, turned to her mother and said, “Mommy, the preacher’s sermon this morning confused me.” 

The mother said, “Oh! Why is that?” 

The girl replies, “Well, he said that God is bigger than we are.  Is that true?” 

“Yes, that’s true”, the mother replied. 

“He also said that God lives within us.  Is that true?” 

Again the mother replied, “Yes.”

“Well,” said the girl, “If God is bigger than us and He lives in us, wouldn’t He show through?”

Letters from Kids to God

Dear GOD,

In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?   Jane

Dear GOD,

Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?   Lucy

Dear GOD,

Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?   Anita

Dear GOD,

Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?   Norma

Dear GOD,

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You just keep the ones You have now?   Jane

Dear GOD,

I went to this wedding and they kissed right there in church. Is that okay? Neil

Dear GOD,

What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.  Jane

Dear GOD,

Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I’m going to fix my brother!   Darla

Dear GOD,

Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.   Joyce

Dear GOD,

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.   Bruce

Dear GOD,

If you give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set.   Raphael

Dear GOD,

My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.   Danny

Dear GOD,

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.   Larry

Dear GOD,

We read at school that Thomas Edison made light. But at church they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Jane, we just have half of the aisles left to go through – don’t be upset. It won’t be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Jane, don’t cry – only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Jane, we’ll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Jane. It’s quite commendable," he remarked.

The mother replied, "I’m Jane. My little girl’s name is Tammy."

Kids’ Answers – When Asked What Love is

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love."
Rebecca, age 8

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy, age 6

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny, age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy, age 6

"You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget,"
Jessica, age 8


How do you decide whom to marry?

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."

Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry.  God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with." Kirsten, age 10


How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6


What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?

"I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."

Craig, age 9


Is it better to be single or married?

"It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."

Anita, age 9


How would you make a marriage work?

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."

Ricky, age 10


Some Sure-Fire Ways to Make a Person Fall in Love with You

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."

Del, age 6

"Shake your hips and hope for the best."

Camille, age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me."

Bart, age 9

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