Humor Section

Humor Section (cont)

The IRS actually received the following letter:


Enclosed you will find a check for $150.  I cheated on my income tax return last year and have not been able to sleep ever since.  If I still have trouble sleeping, I will send you the rest.


John Smith

A man went to the doctor and said: "I’ve been misbehaving lately, Doc, and my conscience is troubling me."

The doctor said, "You want me to give you something that will strengthen your willpower?"

"Well no," said the man, "I was hoping you could give me something that would weaken my conscience."

You may recall from history that prisoners were sometimes made galley slaves — chained to the oars where they would serve their time in back-breaking rigor.

One day, a certain duke walked through the area where the prisoners were chained to the oars and began to ask the men what their offences were.  Each one excused himself for various reasons —

One claimed false accusations.  Another claimed the judge had been bribed.  All had an excuse

Finally, the duke asked a man his offense.  The prisoner responded: "I am here because I am guilty of stealing.  I was hungry and I stole money to buy food."

The duke was aghast.  He said to the man, "You rogue!  What are you doing here among so many innocent men?  Get out of their company before you corrupt them."

That man was then set free while the rest of the prisoners served out their time, chained to the oars.

Two men who lived in a small village got into a terrible dispute that they could not resolve. So they decided to talk to the town sage – the old wise man that everyone respected. The first man went to the sage’s home and told his version of what happened. When he finished, the sage said, "You’re absolutely right."

The next night, the second man called on the sage and told his side of the story. The sage responded, "You’re absolutely right."

Afterward, the sage’s wife scolded her husband. "Those men told you two different stories and you told them they were absolutely right. That’s impossible — they can’t both be absolutely right."

The sage turned to his wife and said, "You’re absolutely right."

There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played;
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.

And when he one day passed away
His insurance was denied;
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never died!

The manager of a minor league baseball team was so disgusted with the center fielder’s performance that he ordered him to the dugout and assumed the position himself.  The first ball that came into center field took a bad hop and hit the manager in the mouth.  The next one was a high fly ball, which he lost in the glare of the sun—until it bounced off his forehead.  The third was a hard line drive that he charged with outstretched arms; unfortunately, it flew between his hands and smacked his eye. 

Furious, he ran back to the dugout, grabbed the center fielder by the uniform, and shouted, “You idiot!  You’ve got the center field so messed up that even I can’t do a thing with it!”

One critic said he had gone to many churches and heard the preacher say: "Don’t try to impress God with your works"

"Don’t attempt to please God with your merits"

"Don’t try to keep the rules and regulations in order to earn your salvation."

He looked around at nearly slumbering collections of utterly casual Christians and wondered, "Who’s trying?"

Several years ago at a passion play an incident took place during Jesus carrying the cross. A man in the audience was heckling the character playing Jesus, throwing out jeers, taunts and dares. Finally the character could no longer tolerate the heckler, he dropped the cross and went over and punched out the man.

The director was aghast and after the play pulled the actor aside and told him in no uncertain terms was he ever to do that again. But the next night the same heckler was back and again the same thing, Jesus this time had to be restrained.

The director called the actor in and gave him an ultimatum of either quitting or keeping his composure. The young actor assured the director he would keep himself under control. The third night, the heckler was present again and taunted even stronger than the two previous nights. The man playing Jesus rose to his full stature, gritted his teeth and told the heckler, “I’ll see you right after the resurrection.” 

In the beginning, God brought Adam a beautiful wife.  After spending a little bit of time with Eve, Adam said, “Wow, God!  Look at her figure… and her face is so pretty.  I’m really attracted to her.  Why did you make her so beautiful?”

God answered, “So you would love her.”

Adam then said, “Her hair is so beautiful, and her skin is so soft.  I just want to be close to her and spend time with her.  Why did you make her so wonderful?”

God answered, “So you would love her.”

Then Adam said, “But God, I’ve noticed that she’s not too bright.  As a matter of fact she’s a little bit on the ditzy side.  Why did you make her so dumb?”

God answered, “So she would love you.”

Is The Mule For Sale?

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man. He would complain about everything. One day he went to the creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death. At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.

The minister asked "Why are you shaking your head yes for men and no for women?" Her response was, "The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, ‘Yes, I’ll be alright.’ When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule was for sale…"

After the christening [dedication] of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys."

There was a church where the pastor and the minister of music were not getting along. As time went by, this began to spill over into the worship service.

The first week the pastor preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The music director led the song, "I Shall Not Be Moved."

The second week the pastor preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The director led the song, "Jesus Paid it All."

The third week the pastor preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The music director led the song, "I Love to Tell the Story."

With all this going on, the pastor became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The musician led the song, "Oh Why Not Tonight?"

As it came to pass, the pastor did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus who was taking him away. The music leader led the song, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

Several years ago, Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks did a comedy skit called the "2013 Year Old Man."  In the skit, Reiner interviews Brooks, who is the old gentleman. At one point, Reiner asks the old man, "Did you always believe in the Lord?"

Brooks replied: "No. We had a guy in our village named Phil, and for a time we worshiped him."

Reiner: You worshiped a guy named Phil? Why?

Brooks: Because he was big, and mean, and he could break you in two with his bare hands!

Reiner: Did you have prayers?

Brooks: Yes, would you like to hear one? “O Phil, please don’t be mean, and hurt us, or break us in two with your bare hands.”

Reiner: So when did you start worshiping the Lord?

Brooks: Well, one day a big thunderstorm came up, and a lightning bolt hit Phil. We gathered around and saw that he was dead. Then we said to one another, "There’s somthin’ bigger than Phil!"

A letter of resignation

To Whom it May Concern:

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the

responsibilities of an 8-year-old again.  I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.  I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.  I want to play dodge-ball at recess and paint with watercolors in art.  I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.  I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.  I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. Somewhere in our youth, we matured and learned too much. There are nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, and abused children. Lies, unhappy marriages, illness, pain, and death. A world where companies poison our water and our soil, and children kill. What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever, because we didn’t grasp the concept of death? When the worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.  I want to return to the days when children played hide-and-seek outside instead of being glued to a television, when video games were as harmless as Pac Man instead of spine-ripping, blood-splattering mind numbers like Mortal Combat, and TV still had some shows on that weren’t about sex, killing, and lies.

I remember being naive and thinking everyone was happy because I was.  Afternoons were spent climbing trees and fences and riding my bike. I never worried about time, bills, or where I was going to find the money to fix my car. I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew up, not worry about what I’ll do if this doesn’t work out. I want to live simple again. I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow. So….here’s my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.  And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, cause… Tag! You’re it.

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