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Be a Kid Again.

Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today.

Sing into your hairbrush.

Grow a milk mustache.

Smile back at the man in the moon.

Read the funnies and throw the rest of the paper away.

Play a game where you make up the rules as you go along.

Open a pack of cupcakes and give one to a friend even though you wanted both of them for yourself.

Step carefully over sidewalk cracks.

Have a staring contest with your cat.

Eat ice cream for breakfast.

Kiss a frog, just in case.

Give someone a hug around the neck.

Blow the wrapper off a straw.

Refuse to eat crusts.

Watch TV in your pajamas.

Have someone read you a story.

Eat dessert first.

Wear your favorite shirt with your favorite pants even if they don’t match.

Sneak some frosting off a cake.

Do a cartwheel.

Get someone to buy you something you don’t really need.

Hide your vegetables under your napkin.

Stay up past your bedtime.

Whatever you’re doing, stop once in a while for recess.

Make a slurpy sound with your straw when you get to the bottom of a milkshake.

Put way too much sugar on your cereal.

Play a song you like really loud, over and over.

Walk barefoot in wet grass.

Make cool screeching noises every time you turn a corner.

Count the colors in a rainbow.

Fuss a little, then take a nap.

Take a running jump over a big puddle.

Eat dinner at the coffee table.

Giggle a lot for no real reason.

A preacher was completing a sermon against the evils of alcohol.  With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river."

And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: ‘Shall We Gather At the River.’"

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed … it said… "It is 5.00am; wake up."

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and said, "Did God throw him back?"

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait’".

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

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Humor Section (cont)

The IRS actually received the following letter:

Gentlemen:

Enclosed you will find a check for $150.  I cheated on my income tax return last year and have not been able to sleep ever since.  If I still have trouble sleeping, I will send you the rest.

Sincerely,

John Smith

A man went to the doctor and said: "I’ve been misbehaving lately, Doc, and my conscience is troubling me."

The doctor said, "You want me to give you something that will strengthen your willpower?"

"Well no," said the man, "I was hoping you could give me something that would weaken my conscience."

You may recall from history that prisoners were sometimes made galley slaves — chained to the oars where they would serve their time in back-breaking rigor.

One day, a certain duke walked through the area where the prisoners were chained to the oars and began to ask the men what their offences were.  Each one excused himself for various reasons —

One claimed false accusations.  Another claimed the judge had been bribed.  All had an excuse

Finally, the duke asked a man his offense.  The prisoner responded: "I am here because I am guilty of stealing.  I was hungry and I stole money to buy food."

The duke was aghast.  He said to the man, "You rogue!  What are you doing here among so many innocent men?  Get out of their company before you corrupt them."

That man was then set free while the rest of the prisoners served out their time, chained to the oars.

Two men who lived in a small village got into a terrible dispute that they could not resolve. So they decided to talk to the town sage – the old wise man that everyone respected. The first man went to the sage’s home and told his version of what happened. When he finished, the sage said, "You’re absolutely right."

The next night, the second man called on the sage and told his side of the story. The sage responded, "You’re absolutely right."

Afterward, the sage’s wife scolded her husband. "Those men told you two different stories and you told them they were absolutely right. That’s impossible — they can’t both be absolutely right."

The sage turned to his wife and said, "You’re absolutely right."

There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played;
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.

And when he one day passed away
His insurance was denied;
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never died!

The manager of a minor league baseball team was so disgusted with the center fielder’s performance that he ordered him to the dugout and assumed the position himself.  The first ball that came into center field took a bad hop and hit the manager in the mouth.  The next one was a high fly ball, which he lost in the glare of the sun—until it bounced off his forehead.  The third was a hard line drive that he charged with outstretched arms; unfortunately, it flew between his hands and smacked his eye. 

Furious, he ran back to the dugout, grabbed the center fielder by the uniform, and shouted, “You idiot!  You’ve got the center field so messed up that even I can’t do a thing with it!”

One critic said he had gone to many churches and heard the preacher say: "Don’t try to impress God with your works"

"Don’t attempt to please God with your merits"

"Don’t try to keep the rules and regulations in order to earn your salvation."

He looked around at nearly slumbering collections of utterly casual Christians and wondered, "Who’s trying?"

Several years ago at a passion play an incident took place during Jesus carrying the cross. A man in the audience was heckling the character playing Jesus, throwing out jeers, taunts and dares. Finally the character could no longer tolerate the heckler, he dropped the cross and went over and punched out the man.

The director was aghast and after the play pulled the actor aside and told him in no uncertain terms was he ever to do that again. But the next night the same heckler was back and again the same thing, Jesus this time had to be restrained.

The director called the actor in and gave him an ultimatum of either quitting or keeping his composure. The young actor assured the director he would keep himself under control. The third night, the heckler was present again and taunted even stronger than the two previous nights. The man playing Jesus rose to his full stature, gritted his teeth and told the heckler, “I’ll see you right after the resurrection.” 

In the beginning, God brought Adam a beautiful wife.  After spending a little bit of time with Eve, Adam said, “Wow, God!  Look at her figure… and her face is so pretty.  I’m really attracted to her.  Why did you make her so beautiful?”

God answered, “So you would love her.”

Adam then said, “Her hair is so beautiful, and her skin is so soft.  I just want to be close to her and spend time with her.  Why did you make her so wonderful?”

God answered, “So you would love her.”

Then Adam said, “But God, I’ve noticed that she’s not too bright.  As a matter of fact she’s a little bit on the ditzy side.  Why did you make her so dumb?”

God answered, “So she would love you.”

Is The Mule For Sale?

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man. He would complain about everything. One day he went to the creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death. At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.

The minister asked "Why are you shaking your head yes for men and no for women?" Her response was, "The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, ‘Yes, I’ll be alright.’ When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule was for sale…"

After the christening [dedication] of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys."

There was a church where the pastor and the minister of music were not getting along. As time went by, this began to spill over into the worship service.

The first week the pastor preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The music director led the song, "I Shall Not Be Moved."

The second week the pastor preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The director led the song, "Jesus Paid it All."

The third week the pastor preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The music director led the song, "I Love to Tell the Story."

With all this going on, the pastor became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The musician led the song, "Oh Why Not Tonight?"

As it came to pass, the pastor did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus who was taking him away. The music leader led the song, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

Several years ago, Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks did a comedy skit called the "2013 Year Old Man."  In the skit, Reiner interviews Brooks, who is the old gentleman. At one point, Reiner asks the old man, "Did you always believe in the Lord?"

Brooks replied: "No. We had a guy in our village named Phil, and for a time we worshiped him."

Reiner: You worshiped a guy named Phil? Why?

Brooks: Because he was big, and mean, and he could break you in two with his bare hands!

Reiner: Did you have prayers?

Brooks: Yes, would you like to hear one? “O Phil, please don’t be mean, and hurt us, or break us in two with your bare hands.”

Reiner: So when did you start worshiping the Lord?

Brooks: Well, one day a big thunderstorm came up, and a lightning bolt hit Phil. We gathered around and saw that he was dead. Then we said to one another, "There’s somthin’ bigger than Phil!"

A letter of resignation

To Whom it May Concern:

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the

responsibilities of an 8-year-old again.  I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.  I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.  I want to play dodge-ball at recess and paint with watercolors in art.  I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.  I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.  I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. Somewhere in our youth, we matured and learned too much. There are nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, and abused children. Lies, unhappy marriages, illness, pain, and death. A world where companies poison our water and our soil, and children kill. What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever, because we didn’t grasp the concept of death? When the worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.  I want to return to the days when children played hide-and-seek outside instead of being glued to a television, when video games were as harmless as Pac Man instead of spine-ripping, blood-splattering mind numbers like Mortal Combat, and TV still had some shows on that weren’t about sex, killing, and lies.

I remember being naive and thinking everyone was happy because I was.  Afternoons were spent climbing trees and fences and riding my bike. I never worried about time, bills, or where I was going to find the money to fix my car. I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew up, not worry about what I’ll do if this doesn’t work out. I want to live simple again. I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow. So….here’s my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.  And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, cause… Tag! You’re it.

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Chippie’s problems began when the woman who owned him decided to clean up the seeds and feathers from the bottom of his cage using a vacuum cleaner.

When the phone rang, the owner turned to pick it up – and you guessed it – with a thud and a whoosh, Chippie was gone.  The owner quickly turned off the vacuum and unzipped the bag. There was Chippie. He was stunned but breathing.

Seeing that Chippie was covered with black dust, his owner panicked and rushed the little to the bathtub, where she turned on the faucet full blast and held the bird under the icy water. 

At that point she realized that she’d done even more damage, and she quickly cranked up her blow dryer and gave the wet, shivering little bird parakeet a blast of heat, adding more distress to the already traumatized bird. 

The owner has observed that while the bird is still alive, that Chippie doesn’t sing much anymore!

A ten year old boy was failing in math.  His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail.  Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room – with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor.  He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.  This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

The boy walked in with his report card – unopened – laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.  Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red “A” under the subject of MATH.  Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

“Was it the nuns that did it?” the father asked.  The boy shook his head and said, “No.”

“Was it the one-on-one tutoring?”  “No.”

“The peer mentoring?”  “No.” 

“The textbooks?  The teachers?  The curriculum?” 

“Nope,” said the son.  “On the first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the ‘plus sign,’ I just knew they meant business!”

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.  There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.  Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.  Somebody got angry about that! After all, it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.  It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody because Nobody had wound up doing what Anybody could have done!

During a Monday night football game between the Chicago Bears and the New York Giants, one of the announcers observed that Walter Payton, the Bears’ running back, had accumulated over nine miles in career rushing yardage.  The other announcer remarked, "Yeah, and that’s with someone knocking him down every 4.6 yards!"

This is a story about a little girl who, on the way home from church, turned to her mother and said, “Mommy, the preacher’s sermon this morning confused me.” 

The mother said, “Oh! Why is that?” 

The girl replies, “Well, he said that God is bigger than we are.  Is that true?” 

“Yes, that’s true”, the mother replied. 

“He also said that God lives within us.  Is that true?” 

Again the mother replied, “Yes.”

“Well,” said the girl, “If God is bigger than us and He lives in us, wouldn’t He show through?”

Letters from Kids to God

Dear GOD,

In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?   Jane

Dear GOD,

Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?   Lucy

Dear GOD,

Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?   Anita

Dear GOD,

Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?   Norma

Dear GOD,

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You just keep the ones You have now?   Jane

Dear GOD,

I went to this wedding and they kissed right there in church. Is that okay? Neil

Dear GOD,

What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.  Jane

Dear GOD,

Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I’m going to fix my brother!   Darla

Dear GOD,

Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.   Joyce

Dear GOD,

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.   Bruce

Dear GOD,

If you give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set.   Raphael

Dear GOD,

My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.   Danny

Dear GOD,

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.   Larry

Dear GOD,

We read at school that Thomas Edison made light. But at church they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Jane, we just have half of the aisles left to go through – don’t be upset. It won’t be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Jane, don’t cry – only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Jane, we’ll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Jane. It’s quite commendable," he remarked.

The mother replied, "I’m Jane. My little girl’s name is Tammy."

Kids’ Answers – When Asked What Love is

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love."
Rebecca, age 8

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy, age 6

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny, age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy, age 6

"You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget,"
Jessica, age 8

 

How do you decide whom to marry?

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."

Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry.  God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with." Kirsten, age 10

 

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6

 

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?

"I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."

Craig, age 9

 

Is it better to be single or married?

"It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."

Anita, age 9

 

How would you make a marriage work?

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."

Ricky, age 10

 

Some Sure-Fire Ways to Make a Person Fall in Love with You

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."

Del, age 6

"Shake your hips and hope for the best."

Camille, age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me."

Bart, age 9

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If a dog were your teacher you would learn stuff like…

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout… run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you’re not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Perhaps you have heard of the family that moved into the neighborhood and the little country church decided to reach out to the family. When they arrived at the doorstep the members of the church were surprised to find that the family had twelve kids and were for the most part poor. They invited the family to services and said goodbye.

Later that week the church responded to their need. They delivered a package to the family and said, "We want you to know that you and your entire family are welcome at our church anytime. We have bought you these gifts and we want you to feel comfortable and at ease in our congregation. We hope you can use these," and they left. The family opened the package to find 14 suits of clothing, beautiful clothes for every member of the family.

Sunday came and the congregation waited for the family, and they waited. The family never showed. Wondering what could have possibly happened, after lunch the members of the church returned to the home and found the family just getting back, all dressed in their new clothes.

”We don’t mean to be nosey but we would like to know what happened. We had hoped to see you this morning in church,” the leader of the church inquired.

The father spoke up. He said, “Well, we got up this morning intending to come. And we sure do appreciate your invitation. But after we showered, shaved, and dressed, why we looked so proper we went to the Episcopal Church.”

I’ve been a sports fan all my life…

Football in the fall

Basketball in the winter

Baseball in the spring and summer

But I’ll never go to another game because…

  • They always asked me for money
  • The people I sat with weren’t very friendly
  • The seats were too hard
  • The coach never asked my advice
  • The referee made some bad calls
  • Some people attending cared more about their looks than the game
  • Some games went into overtime, and I was late getting home
  • The band played some songs that I didn’t know
  • Too many games didn’t fit into my schedule
  • My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up
  • I just read a book on sports and I know more than the coaches
  • I don’t take my kids to any games so that they can make their own choices about what sports they like best

How many people use the same excuses for not attending church?

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trapdoor and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through.  The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.  When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

A young lady was soaking up the sun’s rays on a Florida beach when a little boy in his swimming trunks, carrying a towel, came up to her and asked her, "Do you believe in God?" She was surprised by the question but she replied, "Why, yes, I do." Then he asked her: "Do you go to church every Sunday?"
Again, her answer was "Yes!" He then asked: "Do you read your Bible and pray every day?" Again she said, "Yes!" By now her curiosity was very much aroused. The little lad sighed with relief and said, "Will you hold my quarter while I go in swimming?"

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. “I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we’re calling it the "Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"So far, none have survived the branding."

In today’s politically correct environment where you have to be so careful to keep from offending anyone, we might all have to give reports like this fourth grader who reported on the origins of the Thanksgiving holiday. "The pilgrims came here seeking freedom of you know what. When they landed, they gave thanks to you know who. Because of them, we can worship each Sunday, you know where."

An elderly woman, known for her kindness, never had a bad thing to say about anyone.  All her life she had the uncanny ability to find at least one good thing to say about someone; even if that person had been unkind to her.  One day, two neighbors saw the kind-hearted lady walking down the street.  One said, “I’ll bet you can’t name a single soul whom Mrs. Sosebee can’t say a good word about.”  The other replied, “I’ll take you up on that,” and as Mrs. Sosebee approached them, she greeted her.  “Hello, Mrs. Sosebee.  May I ask a question?  What do you think about the Devil?”  “Well,” said the woman, smiling, “you’ll have to admit he’s always on the job!”

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I’m the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.  "Strike One!" he yelled.

Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I’m the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air.  When it came down he swung again and missed.  "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.  He straightened his cap and said once more, "I’m the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it.  He missed.  "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed.  "I’m the greatest pitcher in the world!"

Introduction to property law from a toddler’s perspective:
If I like it, it’s mine.

If I can take it away from you, it’s mine.

If I had it a while ago, it’s mine.

If I say it is mine, it’s mine.

If it looks like mine, it’s mine.

If I say I saw it first, it’s mine.

If you’re having fun with it, it’s mine.

If you lay down your toy, it’s mine.

If it is broken, it’s yours.

A flight attendant approached a gentleman who was voicing his complaints rather loudly.

“Yes, Sir?”

“I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can’t see the in-flight movie, and there are no window blinds so I can’t sleep.”

“Captain, please keep your voice down and land the plane.”

“Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details, beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 a.m. EST.

God, help me to consider people’s feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they are usually NOT my fault.

God, help me not to try to RUN everything, but if You need some help, please feel free to ASK ME!

Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY RIGHT.

God, help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties and dancing.  God, give me patience, and I mean NOW!

Lord, help me not to be a perfectionist. (Did I write that correctly?)

God, help me to finish everything that I sta…

Amen.”

There is the story of a farmer living in a dilapidated shack.  He hadn’t planted anything, so nothing needed to be cultivated.  The farmer just sat, ragged and barefoot, surrounded by the evidence of his laziness.

A stranger stopped for a drink of water and asked, “How’s your cotton doing?”

“Ain’t got none,” replied the farmer.

“Didn’t you plant any?”

“Nope.  ‘fraid of boll weevils.”

“Well,” continued the visitor, “How’s your corn?”

“Didn’t plant none. ‘fraid there wasn’t gonna be no rain.”

“How are your potatoes?”

“Ain’t got none.  Scared of potato bugs.”

“Really, what did you plant?”

“Nothin’,” was the reply. “I just played it safe.”

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Humor Section

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Humor Section (cont)

A couple had two sons, ages 8 and 10, who were very mischievous. These two were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any misconduct occurred in their town, their boys were probably involved. The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in dealing with children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them each individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response. He just sat there with his mouth hanging open, staring wide-eyed at the imposing figure of the pastor. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God!!?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?” The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We’re in BIG trouble this time. God is missing – and they think WE did it!”

A young woman was applying for enrollment in a certain college, but her heart sank when she read the question on the application blank that asked, “Are you a leader?”

Being both honest and conscientious, she wrote, “No,” and returned the application, expecting the worst. To her surprise, she received this letter from the college:

“Dear Applicant: A study of the application forms reveals that this year our college will have 1,452 new leaders. We are accepting you because we feel it is imperative that they have at least one follower.”

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.  Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely.  It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s suit!”

There are four ages of man:

(1) When you believe in Santa Claus

(2) When you don’t believe in Santa Claus

(3) When you are Santa Claus

(4) When you look like Santa Claus

Angels Explained by Children
“I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.” (Gregory, age 5)

“Everybody’s got it all wrong. Angels don’t wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.” (Olive, age 9)

“It’s not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there’s still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.” (Matthew, age 9)

“Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.” (Mitchell, age 7)

“My guardian angel helps me with math, but he’s not much good for science.” (Henry, age 8)

“Angels don’t eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!” (Jack, age 6)

“Angels talk all the way while they’re flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.” (Daniel, age 9)

“When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there’s a tornado.” (Reagan, age 10)

“Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter.” (Sara, age 6)

“Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who’s a very good carpenter.” (Jared, age 8)

“All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn’t go for it.” (Antonio, age 9)

“My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.” (Katelynn, age 9)

“Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don’t make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.” (Vicki, age 8)

“What I don’t get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.” (Sarah, age 7)

In a midwestern Church, the cribs in the nursery are filled to capacity every Sunday without fail. As you enter the room, you see a large framed sign hanging on the wall over the long line of cribs. It reads, “We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed.” That line is a direct quote from 1 Corinthians 15:51.

Interesting Thoughts about Children

You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet.

Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your children.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.

There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.

Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child… she said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.

Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We child-proofed our home three years ago, but they’re still getting in!

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

The beauty of “spacing” children many years apart lies in the fact that parents have time to learn the mistakes that were made with the older ones—which permits them to make exactly the opposite mistakes with the younger ones.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.  The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human, because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.  The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.  Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.  The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”  The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”  The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.  As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.  The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”   The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”  Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.  After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”  Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.

She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.  She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”  Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”  The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.  At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.  The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”  Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.  A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Out West, a cowboy was driving down a dirt road, his dog riding in back of the pickup truck, his faithful horse in the trailer behind. He failed to negotiate a curve and had a terrible accident.

Sometime later, a highway patrol officer came on the scene. An animal lover, he saw the horse first. Realizing the serious nature of its injuries, he drew his service revolver and put the animal out of his misery. He walked around the accident and found the dog, also hurt critically. He couldn’t bear to hear it whine in pain, so he ended the dog’s suffering as well.

Finally he located the cowboy –who suffered multiple fractures–off in the weeds. “Hey, are you okay?” the cop asked. The cowboy took one look at the smoking revolver in the trooper’s hand and quickly replied, “Never felt better!”

A typical American family was driving home from church.  Dad was complaining about the sermon being too long and sort of boring.  Mom said that she thought the piano player played a little too loud during the second song.  Sis, who was a music major in college, said that the soloist sang about a half note off key during most of her song.  Grandma said she couldn’t hear very well—they were sitting in a bad place.  Little Willie listened to all of this and started to fuss about the woman with this big hat who sat in front of him.  He couldn’t see around her.  And then he nudged his dad and said, “But, Dad, you gotta admit, it was a pretty good show for a dollar.”

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Humor Section

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Humor Section (cont)

A mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of ten million bucks.  He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter.  “Ask him where the money is,” the mobster says.

The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, “What are you talking about?”

The interpreter tells the godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The mobster puts a pistol to the bookkeeper’s head.  “Ask him again!”

The interpeter signs, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!”
“

Okay, okay!” the bookkeeper signs back.  “The money is buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard!”

“What’d he say,” asks the don.

“He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

Three men sat hopefully and expectantly in the hospital waiting room. A nurse from the maternity wing entered the room. She said to the first man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”  “That’s a wonderful coincidence,” he exclaimed. “I’m a member of the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”

Then the nurse addressed the second man: “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets.”  “Wow!” said the new father, “another wonderful coincidence. I work for the 3M Company.”  The third man jumped to his feet. “I’m leaving,” he said. “I work for 7UP!”

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday.  The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.  After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, “Hello, I’m Gladys Dunn.”  And the gentleman replied, “You’re not the only one, Ma’am, I’m glad it’s done too!”

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening at church when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Stop! Acts 2.38!” (“turn from your sin”).

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.” “Scripture?” replied the burglar, “She said she had an Axe and two 38’s .

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. “How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,” said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”  The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower.  The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.” The preacher said, “I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It’ll come back to ya!”

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?” He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”

Pulpit Bloopers

  • Ushers will eat latecomers.
  • The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale.  It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands.
  • Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers.  Bring your own hot dogs and guns.  Friends are welcome!  Everyone come for a fun time.
  • Smile at someone who is hard to love.  Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
  • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
  • The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water The sermon tonight:  Searching for Jesus
  • Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir.  They need all the help they can get.
  • The agenda was adopted…the minutes were approved…the financial secretary gave a grief report.
  • Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.  She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
  • The ‘Over 60s Choir’ will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
  • Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch.  Announcement: Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.”
  • Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.”

A Woman’s Morning Prayer

Dear Lord, So far today, I am doing all right.  I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self-indulgent.  I have not whined, grumbled, cursed, or eaten any chocolate.  I have not charged on my credit card.  However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that.  Amen.

Little Gracie was crawling around in the living room, testing things out as she crawled around.  Her mother saw her pick up a nickel, examine it, then swallow it.  The mother immediately picked her up, turned her upside-down and pounded her on her back.  Whereupon, Gracie coughed up two dimes.

Now the mother was really worried.  Hysterically, she shouted to her husband who was out in the back yard, “Gracie just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes.  Hurry!  Tell me what to do!”  The father shouted back, “Keep feeding her nickels.  We can use the money.”

Politically Correct

  • Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s just “passage-restrictive.”
  • Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”
  • You’re not late; you just have a “rescheduled arrival time.”
  • You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”
  • No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced.”
  • You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”
  • You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal.”
  • It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “the speedy transmission of near-factual information.”
  • The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.”
  • No one fails a class anymore; he’s merely “passing-impaired.”
  • You don’t have detention, you’re just one of the “exit-delayed.”
  • These days, a student isn’t lazy. He’s “energetically declined.”
  • Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk; it’s just “closure-prohibitive.”
  • Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”
  • You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.”
  • You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.”
  • You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.”
  • You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.”

Weird Science

The following are actual comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students in America.  As one professor noted, “It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.”  So here they are:

  • “The body consists of three parts – the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u.”
  • “Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.”
  • “H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”
  • “To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.”
  • “When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.”
  • “Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.  Hydrogin is gin and water.”
  • “Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”
  • “Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”
  • “Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”
  • “The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”
  • “Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”
  • “A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”
  • “Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”
  • “The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.”
  • “The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”
  • “A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”
  • “The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.  I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”
  • “A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”
  • “Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”
  • “Liter: A nest of young puppies.”
  • “Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”
  • “Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”
  • “Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”
  • “Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”
  • “Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”
  • “To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”
  • “For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.”
  • “For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.”
  • “To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.”
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Humor Section

There’s a story about a child psychologist who wanted to observe how different children respond to negative circumstances.

They got a room and filled it with horse manure. Putting the pessimistic child in there, they observed how he responded.

Predictably, he whined and cried, and despaired that he was in a room full of smelly manure.

They put the other child in there, and the little guy started tearing around the room, digging in the manure with an excitement that amazed the on-lookers.

After a few moments of watching this, they asked him why he was so excited.

He replied, “With all this manure in the room, there’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

Lucy to Charlie Brown: “I hate everything. I hate everybody. I hate the whole wide world!”

Charlie Brown says, “But I thought you had inner peace.”

Lucy replies, “I do have inner peace. But I still have outer obnoxiousness.”

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.  Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon, she emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.  He didn’t explain, defend, or deny.  He said nothing.  Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house … walked home…and left it there all night.  You’ve gotta love Henry!

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer: “I need to inspect your farm.”
The old farmer said, “You better not go in that field.”
The Agriculture representative said in a “wise” tone, “I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land.”
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture man running for the fence; close behind was the farmer’s prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step.

“Help,” the rep shouted to the farmer, “What should I do?” he screamed helplessly.

The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out: “Show him your card.”

Nine-year-old Danny came bursting out of Sunday school like a wild stallion. His eyes were darting in every direction as he tried to locate either mom or dad.

Finally, after a quick search, he grabbed his Daddy by the leg and yelled, “Man, that story of Moses and all those people crossing the Red Sea was great!” His father looked down, smiled, and asked the boy to tell him about it.

“Well, the Israelites got out of Egypt, but Pharaoh and his army chased after them. So the Israelites ran as fast as they could until they got to the Red Sea. The Egyptian Army was gettin’ closer and closer. So Moses got on his walkie-talkie and told the Israeli Air Force to bomb the Egyptians. While that was happening, the Israeli Navy built a pontoon bridge so the people could cross over. They made it!”
By now old dad was shocked. “Is THAT the way they taught you the story?”

“Well, no, not exactly,” Danny admitted, “but if I told you the way they told
it to us, you’d never believe it, Dad.”

A man from the back mountains found himself one day in a large city, for the first time standing outside an elevator. He watched as an old, haggard woman hobbled on, and the doors closed. A few minutes later the doors opened and a young, attractive woman marched smartly off. The father hollered to his youngest son, “Billy, go get mother.”

A little girl had told some lies to her parents, and they got mad and made her eat by herself in the corner on a small table. As they began to eat, they heard her saying grace. She said, “You prepare a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.”

A “Peanuts” cartoon showed various characters looking at a cloud formation and identifying what they saw.  Lucy imagined the bust – a head and shoulders image – of Rembrandt.  Linus thought he saw the outline of the map of Nova Scotia.  Charlie Brown, obviously intimidated by their descriptions, said, “I was gonna say I saw a horsey and a duckey.”

Here are some comments by kids about the Bible:

  • Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
  • Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
  • Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
  • Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
  • The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
  • The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.  The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
  • Moses died before he ever reached Canada.  Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
  • David fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
  • Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
  • When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
  • When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.  Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
  • Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.  He also explained, ‘a man doth not live by sweat alone.’
  • It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
  • The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
  • The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
  • One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
  • A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

There’s wonderful story about a six-year-old girl who got a brand new Bible at Sunday school. She proudly walked into the Worship service with the Bible tucked under her arm. She sat down with her family and put the Bible between her and an elderly man sitting in the same pew. The man picked up the Bible and asked the little girl if he could look at her new Bible. “You can look at it, but don’t open it,” warned the child. “You might let God out!”

The following are all statements that were taken from accident reports filed with insurance companies…

  • “Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”
  • “I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.”
  • “A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”
  • “The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
  • “In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
  • “I was on the way to the doctor’s with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.”
  • “To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.”
  • “As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.  I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.”
  • “My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.”
  • “An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.”
  • “The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.”
  • “The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”
  • “The telephone pole was approaching fast.  I attempted to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.”

Hymns of the Lukewarm Church

The Luke Warm Church announces publication of “Church Songs,” whose title, according to the editor, was chosen because “We didn’t want to turn anybody off with threatening words that no one understands anymore like ‘worship’ or ‘hymn.’ People in today’s society get kind of uncomfortable with too much talk about things like commitment and dedication. They’d much rather have a religion that they can turn on or off at will. Our book seeks to meet that need.”

Sample contents:

·       A Comfy Mattress Is Our God

·       Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee

·       Above Average is Thy Faithfulness

·       My Hope is Built on Nothing Much

·       Blest Be the Tie That Doesn’t Cramp My Style

·       Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing

·       Oh, How I Like Jesus

·       Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me

·       I Surrender Some

·       I’m Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives

·       Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus

·       Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me

·       Take My Life and Let Me Be

·       There Shall be Sprinkles of Blessings

·       What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus

·       It’s Not Too Bad With my Soul

·       When the Saints Go Sneaking In

·       Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following

Two brothers had terrorized a small town for decades.  They were unfaithful to their wives, abusive to their children, and dishonest in business.  The younger brother died unexpectedly.

The surviving brother went to the pastor of the local church.  “I’d like you to conduct my brother’s funeral,” he said, “but it’s important to me that during the service, you tell everyone my brother was a saint.”

“But he was far from that,” the minister countered.

The wealthy brother pulled out his checkbook.

“Reverend, I’m prepared to give $100,000 to your church.  All I’m asking you to do is to state publicly that my brother was a saint.”

On the day of the funeral, the pastor began his eulogy this way.  “Everyone here knows that the deceased was a wicked man, a womanizer, and a drunk.  He terrorized his employees and cheated on his taxes.”  The he paused.  “But as evil and sinful as this man was, compared to his older brother, he was a saint.”

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