Humor Section

Humor Section

There’s a story about a child psychologist who wanted to observe how different children respond to negative circumstances.

They got a room and filled it with horse manure. Putting the pessimistic child in there, they observed how he responded.

Predictably, he whined and cried, and despaired that he was in a room full of smelly manure.

They put the other child in there, and the little guy started tearing around the room, digging in the manure with an excitement that amazed the on-lookers.

After a few moments of watching this, they asked him why he was so excited.

He replied, “With all this manure in the room, there’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

Lucy to Charlie Brown: “I hate everything. I hate everybody. I hate the whole wide world!”

Charlie Brown says, “But I thought you had inner peace.”

Lucy replies, “I do have inner peace. But I still have outer obnoxiousness.”

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.  Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon, she emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.  He didn’t explain, defend, or deny.  He said nothing.  Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house … walked home…and left it there all night.  You’ve gotta love Henry!

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer: “I need to inspect your farm.”
The old farmer said, “You better not go in that field.”
The Agriculture representative said in a “wise” tone, “I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land.”
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture man running for the fence; close behind was the farmer’s prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step.

“Help,” the rep shouted to the farmer, “What should I do?” he screamed helplessly.

The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out: “Show him your card.”

Nine-year-old Danny came bursting out of Sunday school like a wild stallion. His eyes were darting in every direction as he tried to locate either mom or dad.

Finally, after a quick search, he grabbed his Daddy by the leg and yelled, “Man, that story of Moses and all those people crossing the Red Sea was great!” His father looked down, smiled, and asked the boy to tell him about it.

“Well, the Israelites got out of Egypt, but Pharaoh and his army chased after them. So the Israelites ran as fast as they could until they got to the Red Sea. The Egyptian Army was gettin’ closer and closer. So Moses got on his walkie-talkie and told the Israeli Air Force to bomb the Egyptians. While that was happening, the Israeli Navy built a pontoon bridge so the people could cross over. They made it!”
By now old dad was shocked. “Is THAT the way they taught you the story?”

“Well, no, not exactly,” Danny admitted, “but if I told you the way they told
it to us, you’d never believe it, Dad.”

A man from the back mountains found himself one day in a large city, for the first time standing outside an elevator. He watched as an old, haggard woman hobbled on, and the doors closed. A few minutes later the doors opened and a young, attractive woman marched smartly off. The father hollered to his youngest son, “Billy, go get mother.”

A little girl had told some lies to her parents, and they got mad and made her eat by herself in the corner on a small table. As they began to eat, they heard her saying grace. She said, “You prepare a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.”

A “Peanuts” cartoon showed various characters looking at a cloud formation and identifying what they saw.  Lucy imagined the bust – a head and shoulders image – of Rembrandt.  Linus thought he saw the outline of the map of Nova Scotia.  Charlie Brown, obviously intimidated by their descriptions, said, “I was gonna say I saw a horsey and a duckey.”

Here are some comments by kids about the Bible:

  • Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
  • Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
  • Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
  • Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
  • The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
  • The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.  The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
  • Moses died before he ever reached Canada.  Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
  • David fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
  • Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
  • When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
  • When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.  Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
  • Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.  He also explained, ‘a man doth not live by sweat alone.’
  • It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
  • The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
  • The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
  • One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
  • A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

There’s wonderful story about a six-year-old girl who got a brand new Bible at Sunday school. She proudly walked into the Worship service with the Bible tucked under her arm. She sat down with her family and put the Bible between her and an elderly man sitting in the same pew. The man picked up the Bible and asked the little girl if he could look at her new Bible. “You can look at it, but don’t open it,” warned the child. “You might let God out!”

The following are all statements that were taken from accident reports filed with insurance companies…

  • “Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”
  • “I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.”
  • “A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”
  • “The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
  • “In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
  • “I was on the way to the doctor’s with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.”
  • “To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.”
  • “As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.  I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.”
  • “My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.”
  • “An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.”
  • “The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.”
  • “The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”
  • “The telephone pole was approaching fast.  I attempted to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.”

Hymns of the Lukewarm Church

The Luke Warm Church announces publication of “Church Songs,” whose title, according to the editor, was chosen because “We didn’t want to turn anybody off with threatening words that no one understands anymore like ‘worship’ or ‘hymn.’ People in today’s society get kind of uncomfortable with too much talk about things like commitment and dedication. They’d much rather have a religion that they can turn on or off at will. Our book seeks to meet that need.”

Sample contents:

·       A Comfy Mattress Is Our God

·       Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee

·       Above Average is Thy Faithfulness

·       My Hope is Built on Nothing Much

·       Blest Be the Tie That Doesn’t Cramp My Style

·       Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing

·       Oh, How I Like Jesus

·       Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me

·       I Surrender Some

·       I’m Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives

·       Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus

·       Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me

·       Take My Life and Let Me Be

·       There Shall be Sprinkles of Blessings

·       What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus

·       It’s Not Too Bad With my Soul

·       When the Saints Go Sneaking In

·       Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following

Two brothers had terrorized a small town for decades.  They were unfaithful to their wives, abusive to their children, and dishonest in business.  The younger brother died unexpectedly.

The surviving brother went to the pastor of the local church.  “I’d like you to conduct my brother’s funeral,” he said, “but it’s important to me that during the service, you tell everyone my brother was a saint.”

“But he was far from that,” the minister countered.

The wealthy brother pulled out his checkbook.

“Reverend, I’m prepared to give $100,000 to your church.  All I’m asking you to do is to state publicly that my brother was a saint.”

On the day of the funeral, the pastor began his eulogy this way.  “Everyone here knows that the deceased was a wicked man, a womanizer, and a drunk.  He terrorized his employees and cheated on his taxes.”  The he paused.  “But as evil and sinful as this man was, compared to his older brother, he was a saint.”

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