Reflections at the Six-Month Mark
Tony Cooke
This article addresses the topic of suicide and may be difficult or distressing to some readers. Please note the suggestions at the end of this article.
I’m writing this a little more than six months after our son, Andrew, at the age of 39, ended his earthly life. Andrew was a joy to Lisa and me in countless ways. We continue to miss him profoundly, but we can also testify of comfort, hope, and God’s abiding presence.
When Andrew finished high school, he spent one year each at Colorado Christian University, New Life School of Worship, and Oklahoma State University. In June of 2008, we saw a radical change in Andrew’s personality, and we began to see the devastating effects of bipolar disorder. The next many years were a great challenge for Andrew and for us, but when Andrew had times of coming to himself, he always landed at Jesus’ feet.
His mental health challenges resulted in many ups and downs over the years. However, we cherished the times when Andrew would find himself back involved in worship situations, usually with his guitar, and often with groups. When Andrew worshipped, he did so with every fiber of his being.
He had a significant manic episode in 2020 which resulted in hospitalization (one of a handful he experienced over the years), and this resulted in him becoming more diligent about consistently taking his prescribed medications. Meds are often difficult for young men with a mental health diagnosis (they often dislike how they make them feel), but they were something we observed to be essential to his stability and well-being.
Andrew later spent a couple of years in Austin, TX as part of a church worship team, usually helping in youth services. While there, he began to struggle with the depressive side of bipolar and thankfully, came back to Tulsa. Even though his last few years were difficult, we are so thankful for the many meaningful times and conversations we had with him. He “pressed into God” even more than before, and though he did not receive the supernatural healing he desired, he was absolutely assured that he was God’s beloved and was fully accepted in Christ.
It broke our hearts that Andrew chose to end his earthly life, and we still miss him more than words can express. However, we are so grateful for God’s love for him, for his love for God, and for the relationship that we enjoyed with him in spite of the many struggles.
So, how is the Cooke family doing? We’ve long known that different people, even within the same family, can process through grief recovery differently based on different factors. Having said that, I’m really pleased with how we — Lisa, Laura, and I — have pulled together and supported each other through all of this. We continue to receive grace from God as we love and help each other.
We are also enormously grateful for the many friends who have been so kind and caring during this season. There have been too many expressions of love (cards, notes, texts, calls, etc.) for us to mention, but each one has been so appreciated. Because our ministry travels were reduced, especially in the time following Andrew’s death, many friends gave extra financially to TCM, and for that, we are again thankful.
My teaching schedule is resuming a more normal flow, and next month, Lisa and I will be traveling to Italy, Scotland, and Norway. We’re looking forward, once again, to fruitful ministry in Europe. In the coming weeks, I’d like to write an additional article (or articles) in which I respond to some of the questions we have received and share more regarding our journey. Mental health issues affect so many families, and while Lisa and I do not purport ourselves to be experts or stellar examples of dealing with such things, if something we have learned can be helpful to others, we will be grateful.
If you are experiencing mental health-related distress or are worried about a loved one who may need crisis support, contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988) in the U.S. and in Canada. You can also chat at https://988lifeline.org/ – These services are free, confidential, and available 24/7/365. Call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room if you are in immediate physical danger. If you are outside the U.S., please contact your local emergency services or a national mental health helpline.
