Re-Connecting with Your Spouse
by Steve & Jane Hutchinson

Steve Hutchinson has served as a church planter and Lead Pastor for over 17 years. He has also served in various capacities such as an Associate Pastor, Worship Director, Youth Pastor, Bible School instructor and Sports Director. He is currently serving as an author and traveling speaker.

His travels have taken Steve to many nations equipping people in the areas of leadership, marriage and faith. With a combination of biblical scholarship and humor, Steve Hutchinson is known for his relevant and down-to-earth style of communicating God’s Word.

Steve holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Pastoral Studies, a Master’s Degree in Theology and is currently pursuing a Doctorate in Counseling. Steve and his wife Jane have authored a marriage enrichment book entitled, Me Tarzan, You Jane.

Jane Hutchinson is a gifted teacher and speech therapist.

Jane holds a bachelor’s degree in Speech and Hearing along with a minor in Psychology. Jane also holds two Master’s Degrees: one in Speech and the other in Audiology. Sensing the call of God in her twenties, Jane attended Rhema Bible Training Center and prepared for ministry.

Throughout the years, Jane has assisted her husband as a church planter, staff pastor and author. She has served in various capacities such as Children’s Director, FIne Arts Director, Singles Coordinator, Women in Crisis Volunteer, and Director of Women’s Ministries.

Steve and Jane have been tremendously blessed with four incredible children – Caleb, Luke, Christianna, and Faith Victorya. Together they passionately love God, love people, and love life!

You may contact Steve and Jane at (330) 351-3459 or through their website at www.MeTarzanYouJane.com or write us at PO Box 1111, Hudson, OH 44236.

There was a man who was hired by a big firm for a fairly prestigious position. The new corporate "big shot" saw someone coming to his office so he wanted to act important since he was basically doing nothing at that moment. So he picked up the phone and begins talking as a stranger walked through the door of his elaborate office. Motioning to the stranger that he’ll be just a moment he proceeds with his charade. "Yes, Mr. President, I’m right on that. Anything else Mr. President? Absolutely, not a problem. I look forward to golfing with you soon. Goodbye." Turning to the man waiting for him, he pompously asks, "How can I help you?" The man replies, "I’m just here to connect the phone lines."

We can’t pretend to be connected when we’re not. We don’t have the time, energy or acting skills to fool people long enough. It is usually pretty telling when a couple has faced a big disconnect. You can see it in their body language, not only what they say to each other, but what they don’t say to each other. There is a lack of honor, value and true heartfelt connection.

For most couples, talking about their relationship rarely does any good. As a matter of fact, two-thirds of all couples who go to marital counseling are worse off a year later. Why? Because talking about "issues" without an emotional connection is futile.

Many couples are disconnected not because they have poor communication; they have poor communication because they are disconnected. When you first met and were enjoying the infatuation stage, you seemed to connect at every level. This "connection" was actually lacked depth and maturity but is nonetheless part of the initial bonding of a couple. Do you think your communication skills were actually better then than now?

Mostly likely it wasn’t.

It’s amazing how well we seem to communicate once we are connected as a couple. Many times we think of connecting merely as something romantic, but that is really a byproduct of an emotional connection. Connecting with your spouse is what true intimacy is… the sexual, romantic connection is rather easy once this has taken place.

When you are connected with your partner you no longer allow "issues" to take precedence over the relationship. Once this type of maturity transpires, you can stay connected even when you disagree.

Here are two major components for re-connecting with your mate:

FOR WIVES: Recognize your husband’s constant battle with shame.
When my wife was complaining that I was such a workaholic, and that I put the ministry ahead of her, and eventually we went to counseling. I discovered that I was motivated by shame and a sense of inadequacy. I was working so hard and neglecting her because I didn’t want to feel like a failure as a provider. My reasoning was that if I work hard now I will have more time for her in years to come when everything "takes off". This was faulty thinking on my part. Shame can drive men to do silly things in order to impress their wife.

There are many times well-intentioned wives don’t even realize they are shaming their husband. When a woman shames a man she is wrong even if she is right. Here are some great examples:

• Comparison: "I wish you could be as handy as Luc’s husband." Or, "Why can’t you treat me like Larry treats his wife?"
• Not measuring up: "You work so hard and get paid so little – when will you ever make what you deserve."
• Excluding him: "I decided to enroll the kids in for a six week summer camp, I figured you wouldn’t mind."
• Harshness: "You know I just can’t take this any longer."
• Showing no interest in his interests: "Football is such a stupid sport, how can you stand watching it?"
• Belittling his work: "Just what is it you do all day?"
  Disrespecting: "Why do you waste your time with that job? You’re bigger than that.
• Dismissing: "Sex again? We just did yesterday."

Now all of us feel shame, but men are more prone to shame than women are, generally speaking. As matter of fact, they live on the edge of shame. For example, men rarely would return a hamburger at a restaurant if it was cold or undercooked. Men feel like they would be acting too sensitive or think to themselves, "Just take it like a man, a little raw meat won’t kill anyone." Feeling shame is another reason why men hate asking for directions.

A woman can shame a man in an instant. If a wife instills shame in her husband, she wrong even if she is right. If a man feels shamed by his wife he will disconnect from her. Since men’s greatest need is honor, learn to build him up with your words and help overcome his battle with shame.

FOR HUSBANDS: Recognize your wife’s constant battle with fear.
When we fear someone we have a natural tendency to avoid them. Sometimes we instill fear in our partner by our reaction (or over-reaction) to pressure, disagreement, or sensitive issues. If you blow up then act like nothing has happened then you just started the disconnection process.

We all experience fear, but women in particular struggle with this more than men. Women literally live on the edge of fear. Generally speaking, women are more prone to fear than men. Case in point: ever see how a typical woman acts when a mouse scrolls across the floor? Jane and I were talking in the kitchen one evening and literally a mouse came out from under the dishwasher and circled her feet then scampered across the floor. My wife went ballistic. Imagine a guy acting like that? (Unless we’re talking about Ross-the-Intern or Richard Simmons).

Understanding this is particularly important for men to realize a woman’s natural tendency to fear. The way he speaks to her, his body language, his ability to substantially support her and the kids is essential to her well-being. Fear for women may be the greatest point of disconnect. If she doesn’t feel safe and secure around him, she without even realizing it, disconnects from her husband.

Women disconnect when you instill fear.

Men can instill fear quickly in a woman without even realizing it. Since men are usually larger then women, and their voices are deeper… it can translate into intimidation. When a man stimulates fear in a woman he is wrong even if he’s right. Here are some examples of how a man instills fear in a woman:

• Whenever he lacks direction for his life.
• Whenever he is irresponsible with money or can’t hold down a job.
• Whenever he gawks at another woman.
• Whenever he chooses his mother, work, or children over her.
• Whenever he goes behind her back or makes a big decision without her input.
• Whenever he is verbally harsh or physically rough.
• Whenever he passive or easily influenced by the wrong people.

When men say, "I’m not sure how long I can stay at my job." All she may hear is "Oh, my goodness, we’re gonna lose our home." Be tactful and very clear when you share your heart. Since a women’s greatest need is security, let her know you have a plan and that you will continue to be a good provider. Learn to calm her fears. In doing so, she will connect with you much easier. The calmer she is the more responsive she will be towards you.

One Final Thought…
Showing genuine love and respect will draw your partner to you and connect with you on a whole new level. Put forth the energy and re-connect today! Your marriage deserves it!

"I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles." ~ Psalm 34:4-6 NIV