Tony Cooke Ministries - Confrontation

Responses (cont):

Pastor Dave Williams – Lansing, MI
Confrontation is never easy for a pastor. At least it isn’t for me. I suppose if someone has more of a “prophet personality” it may be less painful, but I’m not sure.

Confrontation is important when there is a swerving away in any of the following areas:

Fundamental Doctrines
Pastor’s Philosophy of Ministry
Pastor’s Vision
Pastor’s established guidelines and goals
Pure Morals
Attitude

For example, I took a three-month sabbatical several years ago. When I returned, I discovered one of the assistant pastors had taught a class, and actually suggested a different eschatological viewpoint than what I teach. I immediately sat him down and asked him about the allegations. He wept, confessed, repented and was spared.

When someone who represents the pastor is “off” in any way, it reflects on the church and the leadership.

One person who is out of sync can drive dozens of people away.

I have great longevity among my staff members, but in the past 27 years, I was forced to confront and fire a few because of their overall negative impact on the church or other staff members. One staff person, who always seemed to have a great attitude in my presence, was in fact, driving dozens of people from the church. In terms of finances, it ended up being to the tune of nearly a million dollars in lost revenue.

When I finally discovered what was going on, I confronted him, although it wasn’t easy. God holds the pastor accountable to handle these things. He, of course, shifted blame everywhere except where it belonged, so I offered him three months severance pay and told him that he was terminated. He took the victim approach and tried to cause problems in the normal fashion of all “victims.”

Whenever a pastor notices negative changes in attitudes and actions, it’s time to confront in love. Remember the person may have some personal changes in their lives, or may be taking a medication that causes some changes, so deal gently with them, and don’t assume the worse.

With staff and volunteers it’s easier when you have up-front established guidelines, goals, and expectations all in writing. This is the single most important key: Everything in Writing!

I have rule here: No male pastor will ever be behind closed doors with a female counselee, secretary. The door is to remain open at least the width of a hand. It’s in writing. Suppose I find a pastor secretly meeting with a female behind closed doors? Now it’s easier to confront because everything was clear ahead of time.

Members need to know in writing (brochures, letters, workbooks, pamphlets, etc.) what is expected as a member; volunteers, the same thing. We have what we call “Community Standards,” based on New Testament writings.

Although confrontation isn’t easier, it’s less painful when you have established as much as possible in writing on the front end.

Now, one more thing that will be a huge help to pastors: Develop sincere, godly, elders who can handle most of the confrontation and discipline among church members and attendees. I have 24 godly men on a non-official board of elders. It took me a long time to equip them, but now they handle virtually all confrontation except for staff.

Hope this is helpful.

Pastor David Emigh – Sand Springs, OK
The first thing is to have good rules and guidelines in place in writing. You need to make sure they are clearly stated and understood. This will eliminate many problems because people know what is expected from them right from the beginning.

If there is a violation of policy, you can bring it to their attention. You can say, “Did you understand the guidelines?” If not, then you have opportunity to go over them again. I always say, “Are we clear now?” If it continues, you have a heart problem and you must deal with it.

I have learned to define what a problem is and what an instance is. Everybody will have instances. By that I mean they make a mistake. I never confront on an instance. If it is repeated, it is a problem and you must deal with it.

In dealing with people I first reinforce my faith in them and let them know I appreciate them and what they do. Then I address the problem and in closing I reinforce them again.

Rev. Dan Beller – Tulsa, OK
Confronting paid Staff, especially Associate Pastors, is much easier than volunteers or regular members. Any one hired to be a staff member should have a good understanding of policy before they accept a position. One of the responsibilities of the Sr. Pastor is to shepherd staff members, which includes helping them to develop and improve their skills. Any correction should always be done in a private meeting, with Christian love and the right attitude. Corrections should be based on established policy and Biblical principles.

An example of a policy for Associate Ministers is as follows: "The Church Board decides when an Associate Minister should be employed and sets the salary, but only the Sr. Pastor may invite or dismiss said personnel." This leaves them totally accountable to the Sr. Pastor. They should not be allowed to complain to any board member or congregation member but only to the Sr. Pastor. Likewise, staff members can only complain to their supervisor but not to each other. This keeps down strife and taking sides with fellow staff members.

In dealing with regular members or volunteers, there should be no public confrontation or embarrassment. In a private meeting, let the person share fully in answering your concerns. It is good to show unconditional love and use gentle questions to lead the person to an agreement to do what is proper and ethical according to policy and Biblical principles.

Principle: It is always best to have a good understanding of policy and expectations up front. If this method is followed, it is "instructional," but if it is done later, it is "correctional." Instruction is much more pleasant than correction.

Pastor John White – Decatur, AL
After nearly thirty years in the ministry, I have had many confrontations with people about many different things. Be it blatant sin, doctrinal issues, strife or contention, I can never recall a time when I enjoyed the experience. And because it is an unpleasant experience most people avoid confrontations. However, as a leader confrontations are inevitable.

The first question I address before confronting anyone is this, should I confront the individual or party. Does this situation merit a confrontation? Because some things are not as serious as others and confronting the problem would only make matters worse, I ask myself, “is this situation detrimental to anyone, to the individual, to the ministry or to the kingdom of God? What lasting effects will this problem present?”

Once I settle these questions I move on to the next question, which is, “when is the proper time to confront the person?” Timing is important in everything we do and we must know the correct time to address a situation. If we let it go too long we run the risk of letting it get out of control, and if we confront it too soon we could make the problem bigger than it really is. Pray and get God’s mind on the situation at hand.

Needless to say, we should never confront a problem when our emotions are involved. Emotions will cause you to say and do things you will later regret. Make sure you are in control and have all the facts.

The next thing I settle is how do I confront the people involved. Proverbs 9:7-9 states:

7 He that reproveth a scorner getteth to himself shame: and he that rebuketh a wicked man getteth himself a blot. 8 Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee. 9 Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be yet wiser: teach a just man, and he will increase in learning. KJV

The New King James Version Bible Commentary says this of these verses, “A scoffer or mocker is thoroughly set against wisdom and scoffs at the things of God. How should a person respond to a mocker? It is best not to respond at all. By contrast a wise man accepts correction and responds with gratitude to the one who points out his error.”

So with this in mind, the person I confront determines how I will confront them.

Then the last thing I determine is where the confrontation will take place. Jesus, when confronting the devil in Matthew chapter four, chose both the time and place of the confrontation. You too should choose the time and place of the confrontation. Certainly you don’t want it to be in a public place or in an arena that you are out numbered. Make sure the place of confrontation is in your advantage in order to minister to those involved effectively.

In summation, these are the basic questions I ask myself; (1) Should I confront?, (2) When should I confront?, (3) How should I confront?, and (4) Where should I confront? This method has worked very well for me over the years.

Pastor Mark Boer – Boise, ID
Confrontation is both undesirable and necessary for all leaders at some point in ministry. Knowing this, we must avoid being on the extremes of this issue. That is, if confrontation is a part of your daily routine, then there are probably some underlining leadership issues that need to be addressed. At the same time, if a leader never sees the need to confront people, then there are probably problems growing behind the scenes or at least some missed opportunities for growth.

Some guidelines to consider when dealing with behaviors that must be addressed are:

1. Creating a culture in the church of love, acceptance and forgiveness make it easier when confrontation becomes necessary. It is important that people know that they are not being rejected but rather helped to become more valuable and effective in the ministry.

2. Know the maturity level of the individual. The book of Proverbs lets us know of the folly of trying to correct a fool.

3. Make sure that expectations are clearly stated. We certainly want to avoid being overly harsh with someone who didn’t know what we wanted them to do in the first place.

4. If possible, avoid the confrontation when you are upset at their behavior.

5. If there is any chance that you don’t have all the information, be sure to ask questions instead of making accusations. (Proverbs 18:13)

6. Be prepared for the possible response of rejection. While many people will accept and change, there are some who stiffen their neck and resist your leadership. What will you do? Figure that out first.

7. Assess how serious the problem is. Are you making a mountain out of a molehill? Although we know it is best to nip things in the bud, we must also discern if it is just magnifying a trivial issue. If the person has a bad attitude, deal with it, but if their heart is good, many insignificant things can be ignored.