Question:

Confrontation - As a pastor who loves to encourage and nurture others, I find it difficult to confront people.  Can you give me some do’s and don’ts and how-to’s (or how not-to)?  When do you confront and when do you simply overlook something?  Can you give me some advice on how to confront a staff member, a volunteer, or a church member about an issue?  Also, are there some preventative, "up-front" types of things I can do so that I don't feel a need to confront issues as often?

Responses:

Pastor Sam Smucker – Lancaster, PA
Regular meetings with staff members provide a setting to share candidly about the areas you are happy with and the areas that need improvement, which minimizes the need to confront.  Confrontation should be in person and not through email or a written note.  Clear expectations that are understood by the staff member are also very important.  When there is a need to confront, you should do it wrapped in areas you can affirm.  When confronting a volunteer or a church member it is important not to go on here-say but with specific areas you can point out that you can discuss.  Confrontation should not be done in a way where the person feels attacked.  It is important to separate the person from the behavior as much as possible.  Sometimes some of us tend to avoid conflict which can make things worse.  When a situation does need to be addressed, the sooner the better.  Our tone of voice and body language needs to be such that shows love and acceptance and a posture of wanting to help.


Pastor Gary Hoffman – Rocky Mount, VA
I will always start with me.  Did I do a good job in training them in what I expected to be done?  God’s army is the only army that is sent to the front lines after only 5 minutes of basic training.  We need to do better in this area.  Like with teenagers, I think you need to pick your battles.  Some things are just not worth it.  Having a teaching attitude can be a good angle to correct some problems; ”let me show you how I would like this to be done.”  But when all else fails, you are the captain of that local ship.  Do what has to be done with the attitude of saving the shipmate and not throwing them overboard.


Pastor Dennis Cummins – Puyallup, WA
I am thankful that confrontation isn’t easy for me.  This makes me bathe my heart and attitude in prayer before meeting with people that are out of joint.  We have a saying around my church that says, “It’s not who’s right, it’s what’s right.”  This helps to keep us on point and address the real issues rather than opinions.  I recently had a lady confront me in the foyer of the church and call me Hitler several times because she misunderstood the difference between dictatorship and strong leadership.  While I didn’t appreciate her sentiment or being compared to Hitler, I listened to the check in my spirit to keep my mouth shut and not say a word.  One person said that strong leadership can easily be mistaken for arrogance and pride. There are times that we speak up and there are times that we are quiet, but that is why we have to be prayed up. 

If we are personally accosted as the pastor of the church, we don’t need to give defense to that.  We simply need to take the road of humility when we are personally thrown under the bus so long as it is not an accusation of false doctrine or sin against us.  If that is the case we need to ask for their evidence, but if it merely attacks our ego, I think we should let it slide and let the Holy Spirit be our defense.  If it deals with the character and integrity of the church we are to stand strong and not waiver and bring swift and uncompromising correction and discipline if necessary.  Our obligation as an under-shepherd is to protect the church and that means the vision, values and direction of the church.

I personally believe that the Matthew 18 process is overlooked too many times for fear of the ramifications.  But truth is truth and biblical instruction is a multiple choice for those in leadership.  We are to respond biblically through love and let God take care of the rest regardless of the cost. 

No matter how well I thought I understood what was going on in a situation with staff or lay person, when I start discussing the issues with people face to face I begin to see things that I misperceived or I blew out of proportion.  So now, in confronting people, I try to do as little talking up front as possible since it helps me to hear their heart and what is going on inside their heads.  I ask a lot of questions, even when I know I could set them straight in a matter of minutes.  I force myself to listen and probe for information.  Then I use these simple phrases to avoid starting an argument, it even works great with my spouse: “This may not be true, but this is how I perceived it”, “this may not be the case, but this is how it made me feel”.  This gives me the chance to say what needs to be said without accusing them or painting them in the corner.  This helps to disengage the defensive mechanisms and talk about what brought us to this place, our feelings.  I also avoid using absolutes like “always and never”.

I personally don’t know of anything that can prevent the need to confront people, but I have experienced how to minimize the need to confront people.  The main thing that seems to lead conflict in churches isn’t over doctrine or moral issues, but preferential issues of how the church is led or how money is spent.  To help clarify how we lead the church and spend church funds can be better defined by Core Values.

The values further define how we accomplish the vision that God has entrusted us with.  If we don’t clearly define these values then other people’s values will be assumed upon the church.  It is hard enough to succeed in a marriage that only involves two people, so it’s no wonder we face more conflict and challenges in the church when it is filled with hundreds or thousands of people with different value systems.  This may sound a bit corporate to some pastors, but the lack of defined, posted and preached values seem to be an essential struggle in the average church.  It simply says to the people in your church, these are the principles by which we make decisions and operate the church.  You as a pastor may value order and neatness, but we just can’t assume that everyone in our church shares that value much less uphold it in the church.  You as a pastor may value a spirit of excellence but to assume the church knows it will bring much disappointment. 

While some pastors would argue the importance of a defined value system, much less preach it and post it, I stand firmly behind this principle.  I have found that having a defined value system in place has minimized conflict in our church.  It helps new people walking in our doors to understand how we think and act.  Let’s face it, most people that leave church really wasn’t a fit to begin with.  They had a different value system, they always seemed to be the square peg in a round hole, you say potato and they say…well you get my drift.  So why try to change people we can’t change, I would prefer that they move on right away than to stay and make relationships and pull people out of our church later.  This is why there are so many churches out there, because there are diversities among us, even among churches that have the same doctrinal statement in the same denomination attract different people and it boils down to different value systems. 

We constantly uphold our values before our people and new people that want to be partners.  It took three years for people to take us seriously when we implemented them and still to this day people challenge them.  We have been in an enhancement program for over a year now and we have been talking about changing the carpet since it’s old and has tears in it, then sell our current chairs and buy new chairs that match the new color of carpet.  I just learned that we had a couple leave our church two weeks ago because they thought that there was nothing wrong with our carpet and the chairs are still comfortable.  The real reason they left is they have a different value system than we do.  It wasn’t a doctrinal issue or a sin issue, it was a conflict of value systems, but they left because they knew they couldn’t assume their value system upon us. 

Clarity is the key.  “If we make the vision clear up front we won’t have to defend what we meant to say later.”

Our Values:

1.   The Word of God is the ultimate authority, and all that we do must be Biblically based through the leading of the Holy Spirit.

2.   The message does not change, but the method in which it is delivered must stay culturally applicable.

3.   We honor the God-given vision in our hearts, speech, and actions.

4.   We are an organization of principles.

5.   We don’t feed people fish for a day of gratification, but we teach them to fish to ensure a life of success.

6.   Excellence is the theme in all we do.

7.   We take steps, not leaps, in reaching our goals.

8.   The Truth is paramount regardless of the cost.

9.   Technology will be integrated into the church to help streamline and advance the processes of the ministry.

10.  If it is the “Will of God” then we shall submit to “His Will” and follow His lead.

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